Today was a tough day, I learned that one can work very hard to gain self-confidence, security to replace the insecurity we develop over the years, and in one fell swoop, everything you have worked hard for, can be destroyed with just a few simple words. Words that leave you feeling helpless and worthless, suddenly you realize you have to start from ground zero and rebuild everything you just lost.
You wonder why people "lose it" and flip out, I don't understand why when someone is troubled, they have a hard time talking about the issues that let them flip out. When they don't talk, and choose to shut down and leave you standing there........wondering what the hell happened.
I try to understand.......but I don't. I hate silence, I hate being ignored and shut out. I have an extremely hard time with this type of behavoir. Especially when they realize what they did was wrong and can't find the words to say I am sorry. Or...........don't acknowledge your feelings and how this has affected you also.
I do know, I can't do this nor live with this..............this has sent me pretty much over the edge.
Why are people so self centered and ignorant.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
November 11, 2007 4pm
Today Madison was baptized. I brought her a pretty white dress that I had found in Sioux Falls, Mark bought her an emerald necklace that Ashley can wear until she wants to pass it on to Madison.
Friday, November 9, 2007
November 9, 2007
It's November already........does not seem possibe. I just spent the last 11 days with my mom in south dakota. During this visit we drove to Pekin, Illinois to see my brother. It has been at least 5 years since I saw him last. He, unfortunately, is in FCI there and will be there for a while. What an experience that was. The process that you have to go through to be able to get in to visit an inmate is exhausting. The biggest fear is the prison staff has to drug test every one who enters. This is a test done with an ion wand which they run over the top of your hands and the palms of your hands, and a front pocket of your pants.
My mom tested positive back in May........she has never done drugs in her life. Needlesss to say she was pretty upset. Once you test positive, you have to be tested everytime you go to visit. After she got home in May, she started researching the validity of this wand and what other process one has to do to protect themselves from coming up positive. She found that there are soaps, lotions, door handles that one can pick up drug residue from. Including money!
So she found that alcohol wipes and latex gloves have been her defense in beating their drug testing system.
My mom tested positive back in May........she has never done drugs in her life. Needlesss to say she was pretty upset. Once you test positive, you have to be tested everytime you go to visit. After she got home in May, she started researching the validity of this wand and what other process one has to do to protect themselves from coming up positive. She found that there are soaps, lotions, door handles that one can pick up drug residue from. Including money!
So she found that alcohol wipes and latex gloves have been her defense in beating their drug testing system.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Wild Fire In Fallbrook
While in Portland in October, the wild fires broke out in Southern California, from the Mexican border in San Diego to Santa Clarita by Magic Mountain, to Malibu Canyon by Los Angeles, to Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernardino mountains.
One fire in particular hit close to home...... in Fallbrook. The mobile park I have been staying at with my friend Lesley is in Fallbrook. Valley Oaks Mobile Home Park. She called me one morning to tell me they were evacuating the park and had only 15 minutes to get what she could and leave and it didn't look good. I watched the news and searched the internet to find any information I could on the park and its survival. Everything I had heard and found stated the park was a total loss. Even Lesley said it was a loss. She was told our place was burned and uninhabitable.
No one who live in the park was allowed to enter the park due to the devastation and not knowing what utilities may still be on and could pose a danger to anyone entering and more of a concern was looting.
I left Portland on the 23rd to return to Fallbrook not knowing what to expect. I had been in Portland to decorate for a wedding on the 20th. Upon returning to Southern California on the 24th at 3:00 pm, I came through the Grapevine and entered into a smoke filled Southern California. I have never seen so much smoke in the air. After living in Southern California for 38 years total, this was overwhelming. It took 4.5 hours to get through the maze of traffic and head down to Fallbrook.
Once in Fallbrook area, I could see where the fire ravaged the hills along the I-15 freeway, jumping back and forth from one side to the other. The off ramp, Mission Road was blocked from letting any traffic through. The next off ramp, Pala Road was my next attemp to exit off the freeway to make my way into Fallbrook. What usually would take 5 minutes to reach the off ramp and get home took an hour and a half. Traffic was redirected to enter on the west side of Fallbrook. All of the main roads were closed with either the Army, Sheriff or Fallbrook police guarding all road blocks. I met Lesley at her mom and dad's house and we staye there. The next day we tried to find out if residents of the park could be let in yet and we were met with "not as of yet".
We went to her sister's restaurant in Fallbrook to get something to eat, "The Firehouse Broiler". come to find out, she was the only restaurant in town that was open. Since the town of Fallbrook was evacuated, businesses were not back in operation quite yet.
The restaurant was packed with customers as Jacqueline, Lesley's sister, put the word out that anyone effected by the fire and needed a meal, could come in and dine for free. Lesley and I were put to work in the kitchen washing dishes from 12:30 pm to 10:00 pm. That nite we went back to her parent's house and died. The next morning we went to her son's house to blow balloons to prepare for the reunion jobs we needed to do that day.
Sunday, we still were not able to enter the park, we went up to Nuevo to one of Lesley's rental properties, as this is where we were going to call home for a while. One of Lesley's friends got into the park and called and said her mobile was still standing. Amazing as the fire was soo close. Lesley had been told her mobile sustained fire damage. Her friend sneaked into the park to see what was still standing. They told her as entering into the park, it looked like a war zone and looked as though nothing survived the fire. As they drove through the streets of the park , they were sure nothing suvived. They came upon Lesley's street, peeked down the street and there was her mobile. The fire had come within 50 feet of her mobile.
Finally.......on Monday the 29th, we were able to get into the Park. We had to show ID as the Army was guarding the entrance. There was a curfew posed from 7 am to 6:30 pm. This was the first time seeing the park.
I wish I had taken pictures of the park before. It was the most beautiful, well kept park I have ever seen. Lush greenery throughout the Park, nestled in the foothills east of Fallbrook. There were orange, lemon, grapefruit, fig trees, bamboo, creeks running through the park. Everyone who lived there had beautiful landscaping. To drive up to the entrance and see what looked like a war zone..........stunned me. I could not believe my eyes. All of the pictures I had seen on the internet coud not portray what I saw in person. I cried as this once beautiful area we called home and became a sanctuary for us, was reduced to charred rubble. One could not even make out what type of structures once stood in place of the burned material.
I slowly drove through the park, in total disbelief, when I reached the last burned out mobile, I looked to my right, and there was our mobile, still standing. the fire had come within 50 feet. I drove up looking at the mobile to my right which was a complete loss.
On the surface, our home may look like it survived the fire, but in reality, it has not. There is no electricity or gas. In essence, we lost our home and have to relocate. Indefinitely. There is so much smoke and ash, and who knows what toxins are in the air from the chemicals that were stored and caught fire.
When entering the mobile and walking on the floor, you hear the glue crackling that has dried out from the heat. There are blackened burn spots on the roof where leaves caught fire so I am sure the roof needs to be replaced. The caulking on the windows has melted, the windows discolored from the heat. We don't know the status of the park whether it will be demolished or rebuilt.............I honestly can't see returning anytime in the near future.
One fire in particular hit close to home...... in Fallbrook. The mobile park I have been staying at with my friend Lesley is in Fallbrook. Valley Oaks Mobile Home Park. She called me one morning to tell me they were evacuating the park and had only 15 minutes to get what she could and leave and it didn't look good. I watched the news and searched the internet to find any information I could on the park and its survival. Everything I had heard and found stated the park was a total loss. Even Lesley said it was a loss. She was told our place was burned and uninhabitable.
No one who live in the park was allowed to enter the park due to the devastation and not knowing what utilities may still be on and could pose a danger to anyone entering and more of a concern was looting.
I left Portland on the 23rd to return to Fallbrook not knowing what to expect. I had been in Portland to decorate for a wedding on the 20th. Upon returning to Southern California on the 24th at 3:00 pm, I came through the Grapevine and entered into a smoke filled Southern California. I have never seen so much smoke in the air. After living in Southern California for 38 years total, this was overwhelming. It took 4.5 hours to get through the maze of traffic and head down to Fallbrook.
Once in Fallbrook area, I could see where the fire ravaged the hills along the I-15 freeway, jumping back and forth from one side to the other. The off ramp, Mission Road was blocked from letting any traffic through. The next off ramp, Pala Road was my next attemp to exit off the freeway to make my way into Fallbrook. What usually would take 5 minutes to reach the off ramp and get home took an hour and a half. Traffic was redirected to enter on the west side of Fallbrook. All of the main roads were closed with either the Army, Sheriff or Fallbrook police guarding all road blocks. I met Lesley at her mom and dad's house and we staye there. The next day we tried to find out if residents of the park could be let in yet and we were met with "not as of yet".
We went to her sister's restaurant in Fallbrook to get something to eat, "The Firehouse Broiler". come to find out, she was the only restaurant in town that was open. Since the town of Fallbrook was evacuated, businesses were not back in operation quite yet.
The restaurant was packed with customers as Jacqueline, Lesley's sister, put the word out that anyone effected by the fire and needed a meal, could come in and dine for free. Lesley and I were put to work in the kitchen washing dishes from 12:30 pm to 10:00 pm. That nite we went back to her parent's house and died. The next morning we went to her son's house to blow balloons to prepare for the reunion jobs we needed to do that day.
Sunday, we still were not able to enter the park, we went up to Nuevo to one of Lesley's rental properties, as this is where we were going to call home for a while. One of Lesley's friends got into the park and called and said her mobile was still standing. Amazing as the fire was soo close. Lesley had been told her mobile sustained fire damage. Her friend sneaked into the park to see what was still standing. They told her as entering into the park, it looked like a war zone and looked as though nothing survived the fire. As they drove through the streets of the park , they were sure nothing suvived. They came upon Lesley's street, peeked down the street and there was her mobile. The fire had come within 50 feet of her mobile.
Finally.......on Monday the 29th, we were able to get into the Park. We had to show ID as the Army was guarding the entrance. There was a curfew posed from 7 am to 6:30 pm. This was the first time seeing the park.
I wish I had taken pictures of the park before. It was the most beautiful, well kept park I have ever seen. Lush greenery throughout the Park, nestled in the foothills east of Fallbrook. There were orange, lemon, grapefruit, fig trees, bamboo, creeks running through the park. Everyone who lived there had beautiful landscaping. To drive up to the entrance and see what looked like a war zone..........stunned me. I could not believe my eyes. All of the pictures I had seen on the internet coud not portray what I saw in person. I cried as this once beautiful area we called home and became a sanctuary for us, was reduced to charred rubble. One could not even make out what type of structures once stood in place of the burned material.
I slowly drove through the park, in total disbelief, when I reached the last burned out mobile, I looked to my right, and there was our mobile, still standing. the fire had come within 50 feet. I drove up looking at the mobile to my right which was a complete loss.
On the surface, our home may look like it survived the fire, but in reality, it has not. There is no electricity or gas. In essence, we lost our home and have to relocate. Indefinitely. There is so much smoke and ash, and who knows what toxins are in the air from the chemicals that were stored and caught fire.
When entering the mobile and walking on the floor, you hear the glue crackling that has dried out from the heat. There are blackened burn spots on the roof where leaves caught fire so I am sure the roof needs to be replaced. The caulking on the windows has melted, the windows discolored from the heat. We don't know the status of the park whether it will be demolished or rebuilt.............I honestly can't see returning anytime in the near future.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Got back from Portland a week ago to the smoke filled air of southern california. I have lived in so. ca for a total of 38 years and have never seen so much smoke in the air. It took me forever to get through LA and make my way down to north San Diego area to Fallbrook. The air was so thick with smoke it was hard to breathe. I could not get anywhere near the park where we lived as all of the roads were closed. What normally took 10 minutes to get into Fallbrook from the Interstate 15, took an hour and a half.
We stayed at Lesley's parent's house, they were lucky as the fire missed their home by 1,000 feet. They also have a great deal of smoke damage. The next day, Lesley and I went to her sister's restaurant in Fallbrook, The Firehouse Broiler, and we washed dishes from 12:30
We stayed at Lesley's parent's house, they were lucky as the fire missed their home by 1,000 feet. They also have a great deal of smoke damage. The next day, Lesley and I went to her sister's restaurant in Fallbrook, The Firehouse Broiler, and we washed dishes from 12:30
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